If you’re just tuning in my name is Timothy W. Kinkopf the Great, and today is the eve of Thanksgiving Eve, which happens to be the eve of Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Why? Because I get to see douchebag family members I’ve been trying to forget since Christmas, which happens to be the worst holiday ever; although not to be confused with the worst native American holiday, which ironically is Thanksgiving. I guess they don’t like seeing their relatives either (we killed all their relatives). “Get over it”, you did get those nifty Casinos out of the deal, Black people didn’t even get that (just Barack Obama). Hey, one day there will be a Native American President, and on that day the Chief Wig-Wom will move all White People to the West, and then to the sea, ‘cause I’m sure we’ll get the punch-line, “oh I get it ‘cause we kept pushing his people west, haha funny (lame)”.
Now, without further A-Jew(haha) the NEWS.
It’s been a while since last I followed the News, in my defense I don’t like the News, I’d rather jack-off and watch reruns of Scrubs, but I mean that’s just me. And this is the reason why, ‘cause I read and watch shit like “Brenden Foster’s last wish” FUCK!, seriously I needed to watch a little boy do some altruistic stuff, which inspired a bunch of food drives for the homeless, before he died of Leukemia on Friday morning in his mother’s arms. WHAT, WHAT THE FUCK! Okay just make me feel like the worst piece of shit on this planet Brenden Foster, Austrian for goody two-shoes, jokes on him you can’t get into Heaven until you’re eighteen anyway. Nope, jus’ gon’na be stuck in Purgatory for eternity, sucks to be Christian.
Kind’ov’ along the same lines, I read that some mutha’ fucker’s did some bullshit pull concerning God and the Space Monsters. Out of 3000 Bored British people, who could have been brushing their cruddy teeth, 54% believed in God and 58% believed in Aliens and Ghosts, and shit. So out of the Laws of Probability in terms of Statistics (what?) most likely Brenden is going to Space Monster camp to be trained for the coming Alien-Zombie Apocalypse (weak) Good luck to him and his new overlords (the Chinese).
Don Pettit has created the Zero-G Coffee cup for astronauts and Space Aliens, before you had to suck coffee out of a bag with a straw, like a Sunkist, those kid juice drinks that make you turn into liquid metal and fly everywhere, FYI they don’t (fuckin’ liars) jus’ another part of my childhood being crushed. Awesome now we have an opportunity to have space StarBucks, which again sounds cool, but think about all the Hipster-Alien-Emo douchebags snapping their figure-tentacles to the spoken-word of Glog, while drinking venti no-foam low-fat Caramel Macchiato and writing manuscripts about their troubling life in rural Jupiter. And then you realize that the Coffee’s made from pee water, and you laugh inside and out, ‘cause you jus’ got tea-bagged (Ka-Kow).
So, Mike Fincke, some space guy, is elated to say the least, ‘cause his pee convertor is working finally. He was stated in saying “I’ve been pissing on this damn machine for weeks, and it finally works. And to think the rest of the crew just thought I was some ol’asshole. They can thank me later for this fresh cup of space Coffee.”
In an interview with one of Mike’s crewmates, Flight director Brian Smith says
Yah, the machine worked for an hour on Monday an’ then just cut-out. It finally started fully working Tuesday, and not a moment too soon.
Why?
I had to piss since Thursday, last week, but I held it.
That’s not good for your bladder
Fuck you Earth man.
By the way are those the Zero-G cups?
Yah
Wow the coffee stays right in there huh?
Yah, but that’s piss
Why?
Me an’ Mike are into Water-sports
Really… why do I always get these interviews?
Next, in Earthien News, Watch-out this Holiday season you could be supporting TERROR!!!!!!
Yah, so an association called Holy Land, was the largest charity organization in America, until the government realized Holy land was funding Palestinian terror group Hamas. (Oops)
Thing is, the American consumer is to blame, because in our defense, those red donation bucket things outside of Kohl’s and Macy’s all look the same. The people ringing the bells even look the same. How can I tell a turban from a Santa cap in the spur of the donation moment? I can’t, and I know what you’re going to say, but again in our defense “jingle bells”, and “Jihad all of you to hells” is sang in the very same tone, so simple mistake like in the ninety’s when I had a high-top fade.
Ehud Barak, defense minister of Israel, has signed a truce with Hamas, because Hezbollah is getting’ out of control. They’re acting like they’re at an Enrica Iglesias concert, fuckin’ all “HERE WE ARE ALEY ALEY ALEY!” fuckin’ spice of life d-bags.
“Hezbollah has three times the ability it had before the Second Lebanon War and now has 42,000 missiles in its possession, as opposed to the 14,000 it had before the war,” Barak said in a Knesset speech (some website at the bottom)
Where, you may ask, did Hezbollah get all these Missiles? Well again this may be the American consumer’s fault; I don’t think we notice the Make a Hezbollah Wish Foundation’s springing up everywhere.
Hmm…what else… oh yeah,
DALAI LAMA IN EXILE BY THE EVIL CHINESE ARMY!!!!!!!!
So, the Chinese are tryin’ to bully the monks in Xiahe, China; and the Dalai Himself whipped out an amazing Dragonball Z-esqe attack destroying Goku and Piccolo. Oops nope that didn’t happen at all actually, sorry I misread.
Instead the Dalai Lama fled to Tibet, ‘cause in his words “the Block is hot son!”
True’dat
With the new Progression of the U.S., and its First Black President-elect It seems new boundaries are being broken every day; gays can marry in Massachusetts, white people are finally apologizing for slavery (hence Obama), and terrorist organization are allowing mentally handicapped(no handicapable) women to join in their struggle.(wha’?)
Miss. Flibity Jibigty of Iraq was 35 in a half when she was found by terrorist leader Jihad Jones.
Translated from what-ever they speak:
She was running into people at the market screaming “go speed racer GO!” so I had this epiphany. I bought her a speed racer helmet strapped with explosives and told her Racer X is in the Green Zone, the International Iraqi government office, and all she said was, “racer X is actually Rex Racer, speed’s brother, who has been long thought dead” and then she ran off. I don’t even know where she when I just hit button after twenty minutes. I guess I lucked out.
Jokes on them, if they keep killin’ all their retards they’ll never make it to the finals of the Special Olympics.
And back to American Economics 101:
The Stock Market was down for a long time, then Friday it got hard, and on Monday it stayed hard. (Foreshadowing, make investments in Extenz) the Auto industry needs a bail-out plan too, ‘cause they suck. Obama tells us, “As soon as the recovery is well under way, we need to set up a long-term plan to reduce the structural deficit and make sure we are not leaving a mountain of debt for the next generation.” Also federal debt hit records of 455 billion for the 08 fiscal (haha fiscal) year. Shit’s nuts son. The debt might even reach One trillion dollars (doctor evil style). So we need an Economic Boost, okay. So tell me this, “if we are employing more people than we have the capability of supporting, because the stock investor’s invested in, how you say “bunk” Stocks. Then how is making imaginary money the answer? I love Obama, but inflation is never the way. Instead we should do some B&E’s on neighboring Countries, namely Canuckville. I mean that’s what I do, if I don’t have money I take it, right? That way I have money, this concept makes sense. So, instead of inflation we just rob some rich white nation, just like the government did to us. I Think Canada would be first, then Britain, ‘cause they’re army sucks, then France, ‘cause fuck France and their damn freedom fries. Once we get enough lot we can start buying crops (drugs) then selling the drugs to other countries. The first batch would be pure, so we get repeat clients, then we start cutting the shit, and charging double. Fuck I’m a genius. Anyway back to reality, Robert Greenstein, executive director of the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, explains that this plan will increase the poverty line. That’s a no brainer ‘cause it’s simple supply and demand. We happen to have a national demand for job reform, but as long as other countries are offering employees for a lesser cost, we will keep buying. We have an abundance of supply but no consumers, because we are out of jobs. And even though I think in a very cynical manner people truly are kind and generous like Brenden foster. So we will give to Salvation army and help Make a Wish, all while terrorist groups take our money and buy weapons of mass destruction from the Alien-Zombie-Emo-hipster’s, who are collecting money to buy a Starbucks franchise for Jupiter, which into will get all the Alien-Zombies addicted to Coffee and Caffeine, and when they run out, they’ll attack the space station. On Board Pettit and Fincke will be dowsing each other with bags of pee, unknowingly about to be bombarded with the Jupiter-Monsters lead By Spoken-Word enthusiast Glog.
I have come…
…cause is the life
And life, the Tree.
(His follower’s snap)
Which Brian Smith then replies
What kind’a Alien-hippie-liberal bullshit you talkin’ ‘bout boy?
And that’s it… guns start firing, and lazer’s are slicing past the Captian of the ship, and Glog is leading his infantry army toward the Pee Convertor.
After two hours off Mortal Kombat verse DC Universe
Glog defeats all the Crew single hand-tentacle-ly. The crew is forced to fly the ship back to Earth.
Houston we have a problem
This is Housten, what is it Endeavor?
Glog the Spoken-Word Enthusiast is coming.
…(radio silence and then…)
Houston?
We are prepared for this, don’t worry.
So the Endeavor crash lands, followed by an Armanda of Jupiter War ships.
Glog walks out to his new Planet and says
I will call you Glogel two, (Glog notices something off in the Distance)
Is that a little girl with a Racer X Helmet On?
No Glog (voices from out of thin air) that’s an Army of retarded Iraqi children with Racer X Helmets On.
After the coming attack Many of Glogs Forces are wounded, but his second in command Steps forward to take Control
Glog, thank you for training me personally in spoken-word poetry, I really enjoyed it.
You are welcome boy, take my notebook and write about the weather today it will sooth you.
No Glog I may have advanced through the Alien-Monster Camp on Jupiter fast, but I’m not ready for this responsibility.
You Must my young friend, and remember what Mos Def says
(In unison the young boy and Glog say)
ME, WE
(Their finger-tentacle things touch {like venture brothers})
Then the U.S Army, Navy, Marines, and Special OP’s forces arrive on site. The odds are a million to One. the One Boy that leads the fleet of dreams and wishes for his people, Brenden Foster, against the Earthien Coffee Hoarders.
End scene… Brenden Wins.
Thank you for tuning in to my insanity, and I would like to leave you with something important for once. A 27 year old woman named Carrie Hart was recently diagnosed with a type of brain cancer. She resides in Virginia, and is being treated, but she has no medical insureance. So some people have asked me to help, and I would like to tell you I have a collection going on at my Bar in Harbor Creek, Bootlegger’s. The Donation will be collected Wednesday night. If you have never been to my bar you should come, we Have karaoke and you can put in any song for me to sing, or ruin. Also I am in a competition with a friend, C Murder (yah, I changed your name), and if she gets more donations, then I give her all mine (so it looks like I did nothing {cunt}), but if I beat her I get her hymen or something (yep I changed the conditions of the bet too, what you gon’na do about it). If you can’t make it go to
http://whathappenedtocarriehart.org/
Here you can read about her and all that shit. She’s good lookin’ so you should donate jus’ for that. I mean you don’t want a good looking women to die, or at least I don’t, and no that’s not sexist (it might be {what ever pussy}). Also you can Donate online via Paypal, so take it from our future Alien-Zombie overload Brenden Foster and Give a little Love, Give a little bit of your love to me (I think that’s Supertramp).
Happy Thanksgiving
Enjoy the time with your loved ones, and if you don’t have any I got space at my table.
Until next time
Rap it up, flip it over, and strap it down.
Peace
P.S I might be Making a Video Blog soon as well, not sure what to do with it. If you have any suggestions feel free to send me hate mail.
Some shit I looked at for my material:
Zero G Cup
alien and ghost vs. god
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081125/ap_on_sc/space_shuttle;_ylt=AjYcELEt6jEiNVY8w9pO6znLLJ94 –
Astronaut clean up
Muslim terror
http://www.jihadwatch.org/archives/023621.php
Hezbollah in the house
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2008/11/24/Iraqi_bomber_was_mentally_disabled_woman/UPI-50921227529223/
Retard bomber/ woman
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081124/ap_on_re_as/as_china_holding_tibet
dali lama kidnapped
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081125/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_economy;_ylt=ArFpHIxEFA.hrnJusmcJM.j737YB
obama economic stimulous
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20081125/us_time/08599186184300
bail-out=homeless